Life married to an alcoholic

April 11, 2016

Q and A

Filed under: Uncategorized — tiredwife @ 4:57 pm

Since my last post, I received a ton of support, some urging me to keep the blog up even if I don’t post and some questions. So I figured I’d answer some of the more common questions, maybe even address a criticism or two.


Why do you stay?

This is probably one of the hardest questions to answer. The short answer is because, despite everything, I love him. Fear of being alone probably has played into it in the past. And, in the recent years, the bad times have become less. We still argue sometimes, but it’s not like it used to be. Will I stay forever? I don’t know.


Should I leave?

I can’t tell you to leave or not. That is all up to you. Unless, I will say, you’re being abused in any way. then I will say leave and do not come back. Other than that, are you happy? Can you be happy? Have you had enough and just want out? You have to answer that for you


This whole blog just seems to be all about you. He does something and all you talk about is how it effects you

Duh. This is not a blog written by an alcoholic’s perspective. This is how I feel about his actions, his drinking and what he has done while drunk. It IS all about me. What took you so long to figure it out?


What about the kids?

They know their dad drinks. they don’t know the extent of it, I think. But kids see everything so they might. Despite everything, he is generally a good father.


Will you keep writing?

Maybe? Maybe not. I don’t know. I don’t know if anyone even really reads this, or if it helps anyone at all. Maybe it makes people feel less alone? In any case, whether I write or not, I’ll leave it up.


I did however, go back and read a lot of the comments. I want to say thank you, for the support over the years, thank  you for the brutally honest comments, both good and bad. I’m sorry, to those are going through this. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.


April 6, 2016

How many years has it been?

Filed under: Uncategorized — tiredwife @ 7:39 am

So, I pretty much abandoned this page years ago. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I got tired of sharing the fails, or maybe it stopped making me feel better. I don’t know. Hell I can’t even remember the pseudonyms I used for the husband and kids anymore. But I logged in to comment on another blog and felt a little guilty that I abandoned everyone. I’m pretty sure, in the long run, I’m going to delete this, maybe try again for something a little happier, but I feel like I should send an update out into the world.


So updates. The kids are now teenagers. The husband is still an alcoholic. And yes, I’m still married to him. A lot has gone on since I last posted here. There was an affair. On his side, not mine. We separated twice, once for 6 months. All the progress he made on his drinking sort of went out the window at that point in time. It was the absolute worst two years of my life. Some how, we worked through it. I know a lot of people would have given up, kicked him out and been done. And that’s ok too. For myself, I felt I had to give my marriage every chance that I could. We have worked on ourselves and our relationship with each other, and we’re better now. Not perfect, but better. Not to make it sound like it was easy, because it was literally the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Every day I would wake up, be scared, sad, angry and just plain tired. He had to earn my trust, and I had to learn to trust him again. There were long, agonizing talks about what had happened, the feelings involved, and I insisted he answer any questions that I had honestly, even if he knew it would hurt. It was not easy.


So, years later. He’s still an alcoholic. He will always be an alcoholic. Even if he quit drinking tomorrow, he will be an alcoholic. But, over the years, he’s gotten better. Oh there have been backslides, where he drinks more than I’m comfortable with, but I know that he tries, every day. I still get angry sometimes. I sometimes nag, but I can see that he struggles with the cravings, and that he is better than he used to be.


So where does that leave me? Who knows? Every day is an adventure. looking back, I never wrote this for anyone else. I may have thrown out some advice, or my experiences with things, but in the grand scheme, I wrote this for me. I needed somewhere to vent, to complain, to throw my experiences out there. And this fit the bill perfectly. I’m not in the same place I was when I began this blog, and neither is my family.


Right now, I’m happy

December 29, 2009

Looking Back

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — tiredwife @ 10:38 am

I was thinking recently, about all the things I’ve done to prevent the husband from buying more alcohol or driving drunk.

I have:

Hidden all his shoes, keys and wallet (the result? Him walking to the liquor store in socks…in snow and paying with change from the change jar)

Begged, cried and pleaded (result? Him going anyway and a huge fight)

Dismantled the garage door so it wouldn’t open (result? Him walking, but at least he didn’t drive)

Physically blocked the only working door until he passed out (result? well, he didn’t drink, but it was  a long, argumentative few hours)

Refused to stop at the liquor store on the way home when I was driving. (result? him getting out of the car at a stoplight and not coming home for several hours)

I don’t really have a point. I was just thinking back and realizing how much effort, energy and time I put into attempting to manage his drinking and how nothing really worked. He drank anyway, whether he just chose to ignore me, or if he just snuck it behind my back. I remember he would stop at the store on his way home from work and slam a bottle of vodka in the car before he came inside. It was an excersize in futility.

Sometimes I can’t believe I put up with so much from him. I consider myself strong and independent. Yet I stood there and cried like a baby while he did as he pleased. I begged him not to leave when he threatened to in a drunken stupor.

Now I just tell him he’s welcome to go. And to remember to get the papers for me to sign. He’s not drinking like he was, yet now I’m more apathetic about it. Shouldn’t I be going the other way? Shouldn’t I care more about his sobriety now? or just care more in general? Now I feel like “drink, or don’t. Whatever”

Feels backwards.

December 26, 2009

It’s been a long time

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , — tiredwife @ 4:44 pm

I know it’s been forever since Ive updated. Part of that is nothing but pure laziness. Sorry. The other part is a near overwhelming fear of jinxing everything. See, it’s gotten better. I can’t even pinpoint exactly when, or how, but it has. Oh he is still drinking. I don’t think he will ever NOT drink. But now he’s having a couple of beers here or there after work.

That’s right a couple. And it’s not a couple of 24 oz’s or 40’s either. It’s literally a couple cans or bottles of beer. He hasn’t been drunk in a long time. Slightly tipsy is probably the most he’s been. I’m as shocked as you are.

Of course, not all is roses. He read some of my “How to Live with an Alcoholic” books and is trying to use the things inside against me. Like he felt I wasn’t doing enough around the house, so he pointed out to me that “Sometimes when people sober up they see things differently” Yeah, except, obviously, they don’t see that his wiping down the bathroom once a week and his doing dishes is NOT the bulk of the cleaning.

So we got into a drag down fighting match over CLEANING of all things. Well, actually HE was fighting. I was sitting there waiting for the tirade to be over so that we could be adult about it and have an actual conversation.

I was doing pretty good at not engaging until he said “OH and I don’t feel guilty about all that stuff I did when I was drinking. It was in the past, I’m not drinking and I’m done feeling guilty about it.”


He’s “done” feeling guilty about it? 12 years of drinking, treating me like shit, breaking things, pissing on himself, attempting suicide lying, name calling, scaring the kids and giving the kids an early education on what being drunk is, and after 4 months he doesn’t feel guilty anymore? I told him he should feel guilty the rest of his life for what he put us through. And that’s how I feel. It may not be rational, kind or “turn the other cheek” like, but I cannot get over that he has put that whole mess behind without even a “Hey, sorry for all that shit” to me.

We didn’t speak for 3 days. I was re-evaluating our marriage at that time. You see, when we fought when he was drunk I could put all the cruel things he said in the “He’s drunk, he doesn’t mean it” box. I can’t do that when he’s sober. Dealing with a mean drunk I can handle but not someone who has such hurtful opinions of me when they are sober. After 3 days he apologized for what he had said and told me he was just mad. I told him that if he has a problem he can come talk to me, but he is never to come at me yelling or talking to me like that again. We have been doing pretty well since then, but I still wonder how long this will last.

His mom came over for Christmas dinner and was talking about him as a teenager and how she didn’t realize he was drunk when he came home. She thought he was “sick”. She was drinking heavily around that time as well. She said “it’s a good thing you stopped all of that” and then looked at me and said “You wouldn’t put up with him being drunk, would you?” It took a lot not to bust out in laughter. All the times she has talked to him while he was hammered, slurring his words and she never knew? I’m sure the husband was worried I’d tell her, but all I did was say “Nope!” and excused myself. How clueless is she?

I really appreciate all the notes asking where I’ve been. I’m fine as you can tell. Bitter still, but doing ok. I will try not to disapear for so long again.

March 25, 2009

Drinking and tantrums

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , — tiredwife @ 4:12 pm

On Sunday, the husband decided to drink. Why? Because he hasn’t “had a drink in a long time!” Oh  yes. SO long. Two. Whole. Weeks. Yes, I can certainly see it’s been FOREVER. Ironically, while he is drinking he is ranting about how liquor stores shouldn’t be open on Sundays. I’m sure it’s the liquor stores fault for him drinking. Oh, an he is SO glad that the bill to allow grocery stores and gas stations to sell beer and alcohol (beyond the 3.0 stuff) failed.

I divide my time between the internet, TV and books and struggle not to engage him in his rantings. He pokes and prods at me, decideds that I’m not playing his twisted “Lets fight, I’ll call you names and then I will cry while I tell you I love you and you’re too good for me” game and goes back to watching TV.

He starts feeling “frisky” and attempt to set the mood by drunkenly feeling me up. He then becomes pissed when I remind him that I dont put out when he has been drinking. This has been a long standing policy of mine. Sorry, Buddy. The smell of stale beer eminating from your body is not attractive. Nor is the smell of beer and frozen burritos on your breath. The thought of pretending to be into it while you drunkenly pant and paw me until you finish and pass out makes me ill.

Needless to say, while I don’t state the above to him, when I do say “No, I don’t want to have sex with you when you are drunk, it pisses him off. And then he begs a bit. Whines. Gets pissed again and has a little fit about me not “putting out”. Yeah, that convinces me. He then goes to bed to make a show of “not talking” to me. 

Oh please! no! Not the peace and quiet! Whatever shall I do?

When he gets up in the morning he pretends that nothing has happened and all is normal as usual.

I do have to say, I’m getting a little better at this disengaging thing. At least keeping my mouth shut.

March 13, 2009

Well he wins…sort of

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , — tiredwife @ 10:05 am

I’m not going back to the Friday night meeting. Why? A large part of it is the reaction when I got home. I’m not up to a drunken bitch fest about how I don’t support him, I’m too good for him, etc etc. It’s just not worth it.

I am, however, looking for a Friday DAY meeting. He will be at work. He won’t know about it. Kids are in school and I can go in peace. More importantly, I can come home and have a quiet day. He won’t be able to go buy beer in retaliation, because he won’t know I’m going. He doesn’t normally drink on Fridays anyway. Last Friday was my “punishment” for going to Al-anon.

So, I will let him think he has won. It’s easier for me that way and he drinks less if he thinks he got his way.

March 9, 2009

What happens to the body?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — tiredwife @ 6:43 am

Health Effects of Alcohol Consumption

Arthritis  Increases risk of gouty arthritis
Cancer Increases the risk of cancer in the liver, pancreas, rectum, breast, mouth, pharynx, larynx and esophagus 
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Causes physical and behavioral abnormalities in the fetus
Heart Disease Raises blood pressure, blood lipids and the risk of stroke and heart disease in heavy drinkers.  Heart disease is generally lower in light to moderate drinkers.
Hyperglycermia Raises blood glucose
Hypoglycemia Lowers blood glucose, especially for people with diabetes
Kidney Disease Enlarges the kidneys, alters hormone functions, and increases the risk of kidney failure
Liver Disease Causes fatty liver, alcoholic hepatitis and cirrhosis
Malnutrition Increases the risk of protein-energy malnutrition,; low intakes of protein, calcium, iron, vitamin A, vitamin C, thiamine, vitamin B6 and riboflavin, and impaired absorption of calcium, phosphorus, vitamin D and zinc.
Nervous Disorders Causes neuropathy and dementia; impairs balance and memory
Obesity Increases energy intake, but not a primary cause of obesity
Psychological disturbances Causes depression, anxiety and insomnia

Taken from

From the moment the first drop of alcohol hits your lips, your body is being affected. When the alcohol comes in contact with the lining of your mouth, a small percentage is absorbed. It irritates the mouth lining as well as the esophagus, acting as an anesthetic. Then, the remaining alcohol travels to your stomach, where some is absorbed into the bloodstream. (5) Only a small portion, approximately 20% is absorbed through the stomach. Most of the remaining alcohol will continue into the small intestine. It is from the small intestine that the majority of the consumed alcohol is absorbed into the bloodstream. From here, the alcohol can reach every cell of the body. (4)

Because alcohol shares many properties with water, alcohol is highly soluble in water, and thus it travels throughout the body as water does. Alcohol can pass through cell walls and is distributed throughout the water content of tissues and cells. In its circulation through the body, the alcohol reaches the brain. (5) This is when the consumer begins to feel the effects of intoxication. The severity and longevity of these effects are dependent on the concentration of alcohol in the blood. A factor that affects the concentration of alcohol in the blood is the rate at which the alcohol reaches the small intestine. This rate is dependent on the strength of the alcohol, as well as whether or not there was food in the stomach. If the stomach is empty, the alcohol can reach the small intestine in less than five minutes. (1)

The body can expel approximately 10% of the alcohol by means of perspiration, and by elimination from the lungs and kidneys. This leaves 90% to be metabolized by the liver. Once metabolized by the liver, the alcohol combines with oxygen, forming energy, therefore oxidizing. (5) Upon entrance into the liver, a portion of the alcohol is changed into acetaldehyde. This is accomplished by the enzyme, dehydrogenase. Then, the acetaldehyde is broken down into acetic acid, which circulates throughout the body, combing with oxygen to form carbon dioxide and water. The catch is, however, that the liver can only oxidize a given amount of alcohol at a time. (1) Generally, the liver has the ability to metabolize only .25 ounce of pure alcohol per hour, leaving the remaining alcohol to continue its circulation throughout the body. (5)

As the alcohol that is not being metabolized continues to be dispersed, the brain experiences various impairments. Alcohol’s effect on the brain is abnormal, as the brain is usually protected from chemicals and drugs by the “blood/brain barrier,” which acts as a filter system. Normally, it allows only water to pass through. However, the simple molecular structure of alcohol allows it to penetrate the barrier. (5) Occurring in the Frontal Lobe, there is a loss of reason, caution, and inhibitions. From this originates the cocky, careless, behavior of drunk people. The Parietal Lobe is where the loss of fine motor skills occurs, in addition to slower reaction time and shaking. This inability to react and loss of balance in combination with the prior mentioned loss of caution and reason can be very dangerous. In the Temporal Lobe originates the slurred speech that is a defining characteristic of an intoxicated person, as well as impaired hearing. An affected Occipital Lobe is responsible for blurred vision and poor distance judgment, and when the Brain Stem is affect, there is the loss of vital functions. (1) Thus it is shown that alcohol can have severe neurological effects.


Alcohol and the Blood:

Extended alcohol abuse can cause blood conditions including several forms of anemia and blood clotting abnormalities. These conditions could result in susceptibility to bleeding and bruising. Prolonged alcohol use can also impair white blood cell function and thus makes the abuser more likely to become infected.

Alcohol and the Esophagus:

Half the cancers in the esophagus, larynx and mouth are linked to alcohol. Additionally, intense vomiting from excessive drinking can tear the esophogus.


Alcohol and the Heart:

Excessive and prolonged alcohol consumption can cause contribute to conditions such as high blood pressure, heart disease and heart failure. Social drinkers who binge can get irregular heartbeats from their alcoholic habits.

Alcohol and the Joints and Muscles:

Osteoporosis and and some forms of arthritis can be advanced by alcohol abuse. Further, alcohol can lead to muscle atrophy, which can cause sharp muscle pain and weakness.

Alcohol and the Kidneys:

Prolonged heavy drinking can cause kidney failure. The primary functions of kidneys are to regulate the composition and volume of the fluids and electrolytes circulating through the body. The kidneys regulate water, acid/base balance, certain hormones and minerals (calcium, potassium, sodium, etc.) in the body. Alcohol can influence or compromise the balancing functions of the kidneys, and thus can cause severe consequences on kidney function and thus the body.

Alcohol and the Liver:

Cirrhosis is a buildup of scar tissue that changes the structure of the liver and blocks blood flow. Cirrhosis can be causeed by alcoholic hepatitis, which is, of course, caused by overdrinking. Cirrhosis can cause varicose veins, which can rupture and potentially triggering internal bleeding.

Alcohol and the Lungs:

Heavy drinkers are more susceptible to pneumonia and lung collapse, and also have more pulmonary infections.

Alcohol and the Pancreas:

Alcohol can reduce the amount of digestive enzymes secreted by the pancreas, thereby inflaming and leaking digestive enzymes, which subsequently attack the pancreas itself.

Alcohol and the Reproductive System:

Because of alcohol’s affects on the brain and alcohol’s effects on the kidneys, hormonal production is affected. In men, this could mean that the production of sperm and testosterone are affected, and that can lead to impotence and/or infertility. In women, estrogen metabolism in the liver can be decreased, which boost estrogen levels in the body. These changes can contribute to menstrual irregularities and potentially infertility.

Alcohol and the Small intestines:

Alcohol can damage the cells lining the stomach and intestines, which can block the absorption and breakdown of nutrients in those organs.

Alcohol and the Stomach:

Alcohol can irritate the stomach to the point of inducing gastritis (inflammation of the stomach lining), ulcers and acid reflux. Prolonged exposure to alcohol can erode the stomach lining and cause chronic blood seepage into the stomach. If the individual is particularly unlucky, a vessel can rupture and cause major bleeding.


March 8, 2009

What happens to the brain?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — tiredwife @ 5:47 pm

Difficulty walking, blurred vision, slurred speech, slowed reaction times, impaired memory: Clearly, alcohol affects the brain. Some of these impairments are detectable after only one or two drinks and quickly resolve when drinking stops. On the other hand, a person who drinks heavily over a long period of time may have brain deficits that persist well after he or she achieves sobriety. Exactly how alcohol affects the brain and the likelihood of reversing the impact of heavy drinking on the brain remain hot topics in alcohol research today.

We do know that heavy drinking may have extensive and far–reaching effects on the brain, ranging from simple “slips” in memory to permanent and debilitating conditions that require lifetime custodial care. And even moderate drinking leads to short–term impairment, as shown by extensive research on the impact of drinking on driving.

A number of factors influence how and to what extent alcohol affects the brain (1), including

  • how much and how often a person drinks;
  • the age at which he or she first began drinking, and how long he or she has been drinking;
  • the person’s age, level of education, gender, genetic background, and family history of alcoholism;
  • whether he or she is at risk as a result of prenatal alcohol exposure; and
  • his or her general health status.

This Alcohol Alert reviews some common disorders associated with alcohol–related brain damage and the people at greatest risk for impairment. It looks at traditional as well as emerging therapies for the treatment and prevention of alcohol–related disorders and includes a brief look at the high–tech tools that are helping scientists to better understand the effects of alcohol on the brain.


Alcohol can produce detectable impairments in memory after only a few drinks and, as the amount of alcohol increases, so does the degree of impairment. Large quantities of alcohol, especially when consumed quickly and on an empty stomach, can produce a blackout, or an interval of time for which the intoxicated person cannot recall key details of events, or even entire events.

Blackouts are much more common among social drinkers than previously assumed and should be viewed as a potential consequence of acute intoxication regardless of age or whether the drinker is clinically dependent on alcohol (2). White and colleagues (3) surveyed 772 college undergraduates about their experiences with blackouts and asked, “Have you ever awoken after a night of drinking not able to remember things that you did or places that you went?” Of the students who had ever consumed alcohol, 51 percent reported blacking out at some point in their lives, and 40 percent reported experiencing a blackout in the year before the survey. Of those who reported drinking in the 2 weeks before the survey, 9.4 percent said they blacked out during that time. The students reported learning later that they had participated in a wide range of potentially dangerous events they could not remember, including vandalism, unprotected sex, and driving.

Equal numbers of men and women reported experiencing blackouts, despite the fact that the men drank significantly more often and more heavily than the women. This outcome suggests that regardless of the amount of alcohol consumption, females—a group infrequently studied in the literature on blackouts—are at greater risk than males for experiencing blackouts. A woman’s tendency to black out more easily probably results from differences in how men and women metabolize alcohol. Females also may be more susceptible than males to milder forms of alcohol–induced memory impairments, even when men and women consume comparable amounts of alcohol (4).


Women are more vulnerable than men to many of the medical consequences of alcohol use. For example, alcoholic women develop cirrhosis (5), alcohol–induced damage of the heart muscle (i.e., cardiomyopathy) (6), and nerve damage (i.e., peripheral neuropathy) (7) after fewer years of heavy drinking than do alcoholic men. Studies comparing men and women’s sensitivity to alcohol–induced brain damage, however, have not been as conclusive.

Using imaging with computerized tomography, two studies (8,9) compared brain shrinkage, a common indicator of brain damage, in alcoholic men and women and reported that male and female alcoholics both showed significantly greater brain shrinkage than control subjects. Studies also showed that both men and women have similar learning and memory problems as a result of heavy drinking (10). The difference is that alcoholic women reported that they had been drinking excessively for only about half as long as the alcoholic men in these studies. This indicates that women’s brains, like their other organs, are more vulnerable to alcohol–induced damage than men’s (11).

Yet other studies have not shown such definitive findings. In fact, two reports appearing side by side in the American Journal of Psychiatry contradicted each other on the question of gender–related vulnerability to brain shrinkage in alcoholism (12,13). Clearly, more research is needed on this topic, especially because alcoholic women have received less research attention than alcoholic men despite good evidence that women may be particularly vulnerable to alcohol’s effects on many key organ systems

Wernicke–Korsakoff Syndrome

Up to 80 percent of alcoholics, however, have a deficiency in thiamine (15), and some of these people will go on to develop serious brain disorders such as Wernicke–Korsakoff syndrome (WKS) (16). WKS is a disease that consists of two separate syndromes, a short–lived and severe condition called Wernicke’s encephalopathy and a long–lasting and debilitating condition known as Korsakoff’s psychosis.

The symptoms of Wernicke’s encephalopathy include mental confusion, paralysis of the nerves that move the eyes (i.e., oculomotor disturbances), and difficulty with muscle coordination. For example, patients with Wernicke’s encephalopathy may be too confused to find their way out of a room or may not even be able to walk. Many Wernicke’s encephalopathy patients, however, do not exhibit all three of these signs and symptoms, and clinicians working with alcoholics must be aware that this disorder may be present even if the patient shows only one or two of them. In fact, studies performed after death indicate that many cases of thiamine deficiency–related encephalopathy may not be diagnosed in life because not all the “classic” signs and symptoms were present or recognized.

Approximately 80 to 90 percent of alcoholics with Wernicke’s encephalopathy also develop Korsakoff’s psychosis, a chronic and debilitating syndrome characterized by persistent learning and memory problems. Patients with Korsakoff’s psychosis are forgetful and quickly frustrated and have difficulty with walking and coordination (17). Although these patients have problems remembering old information (i.e., retrograde amnesia), it is their difficulty in “laying down” new information (i.e., anterograde amnesia) that is the most striking. For example, these patients can discuss in detail an event in their lives, but an hour later might not remember ever having the conversation

Found at

March 7, 2009

Well that was…predictable

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — tiredwife @ 9:53 am

I went to my first Al-anon meeting last night and the disaster that ensued was fairly predictable.

First, I waited until shortly before I left to tell the husband I was going out. He wanted to know where I was going, so I told him. His response? “But I’m not drinking tonight, so why are you going tonight?” Right there. With that response, I KNEW he was going to wait until I walked out the door and then get raging drunk.

I went to the meeting, which was composed of older men and women, who had all pretty much left their alcoholic. Not that that  is a bad thing, not at all. But listening to them talk, it struck me that even in Al-anon, I feel alone. Every person that talked had grown up in an alcoholic home. I didn’t. Every one of them left their alcoholic spouses. I don’t plan to.  At the end, the leader said “now, for those who wish it, please join us in the Lord’s Prayer” Each and every person stood up, and those on either side of me grabbed my hands. It was very uncomfortable and not something that I felt I could bow out of. Especially because I would be the only one. I ended up just standing quietly while they said the prayer in unison.

Everyone was very welcoming and friendly. Some of their stories moved me. I was a litte bit uncomfortable with how they passed the list of steps and stuff around expecting each person to read one out loud, only because, at that point I just wanted to be an observer. I didn’t really want to participate right then, I spent the night on the verge of tears and my hands were shaking. They kept telling me that I didn’t have to do anything right then, but then would hand me this paper and tell me to read it. Again, not a horrible thing, not at all. But not something I was really equipped to be able to do at the moment.

So, at the end, I recieve my hugs, my literature and my phone number list. I say good bye and head home. I walk into the house and smell beer. He had decided to punish me for going by getting drunk. As soon as I drove off, he got in the car and went to the store for beer. He doesn’t understand, why, when he is drinking less than he ever has before, I am going to meetings now.

I cannot get through to him that the meetings are not about HIM. Of course, he is the reason I went in the first place, but the meetings are for ME. How I am going to deal with MY feelings. He alternates between telling me to leave, saying he is going to leave and then telling me how much he loves me and how wonderful I am and what an asshole he is. He is very defensive that I went to a meeting in the first place.

I caved and told him that I wasn’t going to another one, because I can’t handle the raging argument afterwards. I can’t handle the fighting the second I walk in the door. But oh, now he wants me to go. Of course. Jump to the opposite side just to keep the argument going. I really attempted to disengage, but I’ve learned if I don’t participate it just gets worse.  So I stay calm and answer in monotone one or 2 word sentances. Finally he falls asleep.

I don’t know if I will go to another meeting. Not only because of him. Honestly, my impression was it was a close knit, fairly religious group. And while it works for them, I felt the “outsider” they were very welcoming, very sincere and friendly. But I don’t think it’s a good fit for me. I will try to make it to one more at this location and see what my impressions are.

After that? I don’t know. I may look into another meeting that will work with my schedule. I’ll have to see when the time comes.

March 1, 2009

Al-anon self test

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — tiredwife @ 8:46 am

I’ve decided to take the plunge. I’m visitng an al-anon meeting this Friday. Yes I have reservations (all previously listed) But I would be nice to talk to someone who understands.

I found this online. My answers are bolded.

Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. The following twenty questions are designed to help you decide whether or not you need Al-Anon:

1.Do you worry about how much someone else drinks? Yes

2.Do you have money problems because of someone else’s drinking?
3.Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else’s drinking?
Not anymore
4.Do you feel that if the drinker loved you, he or she would stop drinking, to please you?
5.Do you blame the drinker’s behavior on his or her companions?
6.Are plans frequently upset, or cancelled, or meals delayed because of the drinker? no

7.Do you make threats, such as, “If you don’t stop drinking, I’ll leave you”?yes

8.Do you secretly try to smell the drinker’s breath? yes

9.Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout? yes

10.Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker’s behavior?
11.Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?
12.Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?
13.Do you search for hidden alcohol?
14.Do you often ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?
15.Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?
16.Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the lengths you have gone to control the drinker? yes

17.Do you think that, if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?yes

18.Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?
19.Do you feel angry, confused or depressed most of the time?
20.Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?
If you have answered ‘yes’ to three or more of these questions, Al-Anon or Alateen may help.

3 or more. Hah. I’m up to 13 yeses. 13 out of 20. In previous years it would have been 15 or more. But it’s pretty sad that I can answer yes to over half of the questions
Older Posts »

Create a free website or blog at