I was thinking recently, about all the things I’ve done to prevent the husband from buying more alcohol or driving drunk.
Hidden all his shoes, keys and wallet (the result? Him walking to the liquor store in socks…in snow and paying with change from the change jar)
Begged, cried and pleaded (result? Him going anyway and a huge fight)
Dismantled the garage door so it wouldn’t open (result? Him walking, but at least he didn’t drive)
Physically blocked the only working door until he passed out (result? well, he didn’t drink, but it was a long, argumentative few hours)
Refused to stop at the liquor store on the way home when I was driving. (result? him getting out of the car at a stoplight and not coming home for several hours)
I don’t really have a point. I was just thinking back and realizing how much effort, energy and time I put into attempting to manage his drinking and how nothing really worked. He drank anyway, whether he just chose to ignore me, or if he just snuck it behind my back. I remember he would stop at the store on his way home from work and slam a bottle of vodka in the car before he came inside. It was an excersize in futility.
Sometimes I can’t believe I put up with so much from him. I consider myself strong and independent. Yet I stood there and cried like a baby while he did as he pleased. I begged him not to leave when he threatened to in a drunken stupor.
Now I just tell him he’s welcome to go. And to remember to get the papers for me to sign. He’s not drinking like he was, yet now I’m more apathetic about it. Shouldn’t I be going the other way? Shouldn’t I care more about his sobriety now? or just care more in general? Now I feel like “drink, or don’t. Whatever”