Ups and Downs

More downs, than ups, I think.

I haven’t posted in a while. I think, more than anything it’s because I feel like I have failed in some way. The drinking is back up. After a full month, it has started again. Oh it isn’t HUGE, but it’s enough to piss me off. Right now, he is upstairs, passed out in bed. I  just dumped a nearly full 40 OZ down the sink. But he is definatly drunk I attempted to wake him up and could not so who knows how much he had to drink before I found him.

Last night he drank “just a 24OZ” and the night before he drank “just 2 beers” when we went out to eat. I was sleeping when he started today, since I work the night shift, the kids told me that he went to the store, and wouldn’t let them go with him. He went out, just for beer in horrible weather with horrible roads.

When I try to talk to him about it, he says “It’s just one day a week” It might be just one day (as you can see above, it’s not “just one” day) but it is also as much beer (and/or vodka) he can cram down his throat before he passes out and I dump the remaining supply.

When we went out to eat, we were discussing one of my sisters, and a childhood friend that has a crush on her. The friend is 20 years old and drinks like a fish. I mentioned that would hate to see her get involved with him because he is, or is well on his way to becoming an alcoholic. I said I didn’t want her in that sort of life because I know fully well how hard it is to deal with. He actually got offended. Like living with him is all peaches and roses. He started to get mad and I cut him off. I told him with all the shit that he has put me through over the years (granted, I stayed) that he has NO RIGHT to get mad if I insinuate that life was great all the time. Yeah, we had some good times, and we still do have good times. However, dealing with him, drunk, has dampened those times. I remember, with perfect clarity the fights, the stupid things he has done, the attempted suicide I had to deal with. The good times, yeah, they are there, but they take a back seat compared to the horrible times. It was pure luck that he was sober when I gave birth to the kids. I half expected him to be at least tipsy when we got married. We can’t go to a casino because of the free drinks. We can’t go to an adult resturaunt because of the alcohol served. I can’t sleep or leave the house without him running to the liquor store. He, apparently, cannot watch football with out beer. It is ridiculous. It is bull shit.

Telling him the things people and family are saying about him get to him for a little bit. But then it all starts over again. Nothing matters, not me, not the kids, family, work, nothing but beer. I have reinstated (well, continued) my personal savings account that I had stopped putting money into. He doesn’t know about the account and he can’t touch it. I advise anyone dealing with an addict to do the same. You never know when you will say “enough is enough”