Drinking and tantrums

On Sunday, the husband decided to drink. Why? Because he hasn’t “had a drink in a long time!” Oh  yes. SO long. Two. Whole. Weeks. Yes, I can certainly see it’s been FOREVER. Ironically, while he is drinking he is ranting about how liquor stores shouldn’t be open on Sundays. I’m sure it’s the liquor stores fault for him drinking. Oh, an he is SO glad that the bill to allow grocery stores and gas stations to sell beer and alcohol (beyond the 3.0 stuff) failed.

I divide my time between the internet, TV and books and struggle not to engage him in his rantings. He pokes and prods at me, decideds that I’m not playing his twisted “Lets fight, I’ll call you names and then I will cry while I tell you I love you and you’re too good for me” game and goes back to watching TV.

He starts feeling “frisky” and attempt to set the mood by drunkenly feeling me up. He then becomes pissed when I remind him that I dont put out when he has been drinking. This has been a long standing policy of mine. Sorry, Buddy. The smell of stale beer eminating from your body is not attractive. Nor is the smell of beer and frozen burritos on your breath. The thought of pretending to be into it while you drunkenly pant and paw me until you finish and pass out makes me ill.

Needless to say, while I don’t state the above to him, when I do say “No, I don’t want to have sex with you when you are drunk, it pisses him off. And then he begs a bit. Whines. Gets pissed again and has a little fit about me not “putting out”. Yeah, that convinces me. He then goes to bed to make a show of “not talking” to me. 

Oh please! no! Not the peace and quiet! Whatever shall I do?

When he gets up in the morning he pretends that nothing has happened and all is normal as usual.

I do have to say, I’m getting a little better at this disengaging thing. At least keeping my mouth shut.

Well he wins…sort of

I’m not going back to the Friday night meeting. Why? A large part of it is the reaction when I got home. I’m not up to a drunken bitch fest about how I don’t support him, I’m too good for him, etc etc. It’s just not worth it.

I am, however, looking for a Friday DAY meeting. He will be at work. He won’t know about it. Kids are in school and I can go in peace. More importantly, I can come home and have a quiet day. He won’t be able to go buy beer in retaliation, because he won’t know I’m going. He doesn’t normally drink on Fridays anyway. Last Friday was my “punishment” for going to Al-anon.

So, I will let him think he has won. It’s easier for me that way and he drinks less if he thinks he got his way.

What happens to the body?

Health Effects of Alcohol Consumption

Arthritis	Increases risk of gouty arthritis
Cancer	Increases the risk of cancer in the liver, pancreas, rectum, breast, mouth, pharynx, larynx and esophagus
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome	Causes physical and behavioral abnormalities in the fetus
Heart Disease	Raises blood pressure, blood lipids and the risk of stroke and heart disease in heavy drinkers.  Heart disease is generally lower in light to moderate drinkers.
Hyperglycermia	Raises blood glucose
Hypoglycemia	Lowers blood glucose, especially for people with diabetes
Kidney Disease	Enlarges the kidneys, alters hormone functions, and increases the risk of kidney failure
Liver Disease	Causes fatty liver, alcoholic hepatitis and cirrhosis
Malnutrition	Increases the risk of protein-energy malnutrition,; low intakes of protein, calcium, iron, vitamin A, vitamin C, thiamine, vitamin B6 and riboflavin, and impaired absorption of calcium, phosphorus, vitamin D and zinc.
Nervous Disorders	Causes neuropathy and dementia; impairs balance and memory
Obesity	Increases energy intake, but not a primary cause of obesity
Psychological disturbances	Causes depression, anxiety and insomnia

Taken from http://www.healthchecksystems.com/alcohol.htm

From the moment the first drop of alcohol hits your lips, your body is being affected. When the alcohol comes in contact with the lining of your mouth, a small percentage is absorbed. It irritates the mouth lining as well as the esophagus, acting as an anesthetic. Then, the remaining alcohol travels to your stomach, where some is absorbed into the bloodstream. (5) Only a small portion, approximately 20% is absorbed through the stomach. Most of the remaining alcohol will continue into the small intestine. It is from the small intestine that the majority of the consumed alcohol is absorbed into the bloodstream. From here, the alcohol can reach every cell of the body. (4)

Because alcohol shares many properties with water, alcohol is highly soluble in water, and thus it travels throughout the body as water does. Alcohol can pass through cell walls and is distributed throughout the water content of tissues and cells. In its circulation through the body, the alcohol reaches the brain. (5) This is when the consumer begins to feel the effects of intoxication. The severity and longevity of these effects are dependent on the concentration of alcohol in the blood. A factor that affects the concentration of alcohol in the blood is the rate at which the alcohol reaches the small intestine. This rate is dependent on the strength of the alcohol, as well as whether or not there was food in the stomach. If the stomach is empty, the alcohol can reach the small intestine in less than five minutes. (1)

The body can expel approximately 10% of the alcohol by means of perspiration, and by elimination from the lungs and kidneys. This leaves 90% to be metabolized by the liver. Once metabolized by the liver, the alcohol combines with oxygen, forming energy, therefore oxidizing. (5) Upon entrance into the liver, a portion of the alcohol is changed into acetaldehyde. This is accomplished by the enzyme, dehydrogenase. Then, the acetaldehyde is broken down into acetic acid, which circulates throughout the body, combing with oxygen to form carbon dioxide and water. The catch is, however, that the liver can only oxidize a given amount of alcohol at a time. (1) Generally, the liver has the ability to metabolize only .25 ounce of pure alcohol per hour, leaving the remaining alcohol to continue its circulation throughout the body. (5)

As the alcohol that is not being metabolized continues to be dispersed, the brain experiences various impairments. Alcohol’s effect on the brain is abnormal, as the brain is usually protected from chemicals and drugs by the “blood/brain barrier,” which acts as a filter system. Normally, it allows only water to pass through. However, the simple molecular structure of alcohol allows it to penetrate the barrier. (5) Occurring in the Frontal Lobe, there is a loss of reason, caution, and inhibitions. From this originates the cocky, careless, behavior of drunk people. The Parietal Lobe is where the loss of fine motor skills occurs, in addition to slower reaction time and shaking. This inability to react and loss of balance in combination with the prior mentioned loss of caution and reason can be very dangerous. In the Temporal Lobe originates the slurred speech that is a defining characteristic of an intoxicated person, as well as impaired hearing. An affected Occipital Lobe is responsible for blurred vision and poor distance judgment, and when the Brain Stem is affect, there is the loss of vital functions. (1) Thus it is shown that alcohol can have severe neurological effects.

From http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/biology/b103/f01/web1/chew.html

Alcohol and the Blood:

Extended alcohol abuse can cause blood conditions including several forms of anemia and blood clotting abnormalities. These conditions could result in susceptibility to bleeding and bruising. Prolonged alcohol use can also impair white blood cell function and thus makes the abuser more likely to become infected.

Alcohol and the Esophagus:

Half the cancers in the esophagus, larynx and mouth are linked to alcohol. Additionally, intense vomiting from excessive drinking can tear the esophogus.

 

Alcohol and the Heart:

Excessive and prolonged alcohol consumption can cause contribute to conditions such as high blood pressure, heart disease and heart failure. Social drinkers who binge can get irregular heartbeats from their alcoholic habits.

Alcohol and the Joints and Muscles:

Osteoporosis and and some forms of arthritis can be advanced by alcohol abuse. Further, alcohol can lead to muscle atrophy, which can cause sharp muscle pain and weakness.

Alcohol and the Kidneys:

Prolonged heavy drinking can cause kidney failure. The primary functions of kidneys are to regulate the composition and volume of the fluids and electrolytes circulating through the body. The kidneys regulate water, acid/base balance, certain hormones and minerals (calcium, potassium, sodium, etc.) in the body. Alcohol can influence or compromise the balancing functions of the kidneys, and thus can cause severe consequences on kidney function and thus the body.

Alcohol and the Liver:

Cirrhosis is a buildup of scar tissue that changes the structure of the liver and blocks blood flow. Cirrhosis can be causeed by alcoholic hepatitis, which is, of course, caused by overdrinking. Cirrhosis can cause varicose veins, which can rupture and potentially triggering internal bleeding.

Alcohol and the Lungs:

Heavy drinkers are more susceptible to pneumonia and lung collapse, and also have more pulmonary infections.

Alcohol and the Pancreas:

Alcohol can reduce the amount of digestive enzymes secreted by the pancreas, thereby inflaming and leaking digestive enzymes, which subsequently attack the pancreas itself.

Alcohol and the Reproductive System:

Because of alcohol’s affects on the brain and alcohol’s effects on the kidneys, hormonal production is affected. In men, this could mean that the production of sperm and testosterone are affected, and that can lead to impotence and/or infertility. In women, estrogen metabolism in the liver can be decreased, which boost estrogen levels in the body. These changes can contribute to menstrual irregularities and potentially infertility.

Alcohol and the Small intestines:

Alcohol can damage the cells lining the stomach and intestines, which can block the absorption and breakdown of nutrients in those organs.

Alcohol and the Stomach:

Alcohol can irritate the stomach to the point of inducing gastritis (inflammation of the stomach lining), ulcers and acid reflux. Prolonged exposure to alcohol can erode the stomach lining and cause chronic blood seepage into the stomach. If the individual is particularly unlucky, a vessel can rupture and cause major bleeding.

From http://www.bloodalcohol.info/how-alcohol-affects-your-body.php

What happens to the brain?

Difficulty walking, blurred vision, slurred speech, slowed reaction times, impaired memory: Clearly, alcohol affects the brain. Some of these impairments are detectable after only one or two drinks and quickly resolve when drinking stops. On the other hand, a person who drinks heavily over a long period of time may have brain deficits that persist well after he or she achieves sobriety. Exactly how alcohol affects the brain and the likelihood of reversing the impact of heavy drinking on the brain remain hot topics in alcohol research today.

We do know that heavy drinking may have extensive and far–reaching effects on the brain, ranging from simple “slips” in memory to permanent and debilitating conditions that require lifetime custodial care. And even moderate drinking leads to short–term impairment, as shown by extensive research on the impact of drinking on driving.

A number of factors influence how and to what extent alcohol affects the brain (1), including

• how much and how often a person drinks;
• the age at which he or she first began drinking, and how long he or she has been drinking;
• the person’s age, level of education, gender, genetic background, and family history of alcoholism;
• whether he or she is at risk as a result of prenatal alcohol exposure; and
• his or her general health status.

This Alcohol Alert reviews some common disorders associated with alcohol–related brain damage and the people at greatest risk for impairment. It looks at traditional as well as emerging therapies for the treatment and prevention of alcohol–related disorders and includes a brief look at the high–tech tools that are helping scientists to better understand the effects of alcohol on the brain.

BLACKOUTS AND MEMORY LAPSES

Alcohol can produce detectable impairments in memory after only a few drinks and, as the amount of alcohol increases, so does the degree of impairment. Large quantities of alcohol, especially when consumed quickly and on an empty stomach, can produce a blackout, or an interval of time for which the intoxicated person cannot recall key details of events, or even entire events.

Blackouts are much more common among social drinkers than previously assumed and should be viewed as a potential consequence of acute intoxication regardless of age or whether the drinker is clinically dependent on alcohol (2). White and colleagues (3) surveyed 772 college undergraduates about their experiences with blackouts and asked, “Have you ever awoken after a night of drinking not able to remember things that you did or places that you went?” Of the students who had ever consumed alcohol, 51 percent reported blacking out at some point in their lives, and 40 percent reported experiencing a blackout in the year before the survey. Of those who reported drinking in the 2 weeks before the survey, 9.4 percent said they blacked out during that time. The students reported learning later that they had participated in a wide range of potentially dangerous events they could not remember, including vandalism, unprotected sex, and driving.

Equal numbers of men and women reported experiencing blackouts, despite the fact that the men drank significantly more often and more heavily than the women. This outcome suggests that regardless of the amount of alcohol consumption, females—a group infrequently studied in the literature on blackouts—are at greater risk than males for experiencing blackouts. A woman’s tendency to black out more easily probably results from differences in how men and women metabolize alcohol. Females also may be more susceptible than males to milder forms of alcohol–induced memory impairments, even when men and women consume comparable amounts of alcohol (4).

ARE WOMEN MORE VULNERABLE TO ALCOHOL’S EFFECTS ON THE BRAIN?

Women are more vulnerable than men to many of the medical consequences of alcohol use. For example, alcoholic women develop cirrhosis (5), alcohol–induced damage of the heart muscle (i.e., cardiomyopathy) (6), and nerve damage (i.e., peripheral neuropathy) (7) after fewer years of heavy drinking than do alcoholic men. Studies comparing men and women’s sensitivity to alcohol–induced brain damage, however, have not been as conclusive.

Using imaging with computerized tomography, two studies (8,9) compared brain shrinkage, a common indicator of brain damage, in alcoholic men and women and reported that male and female alcoholics both showed significantly greater brain shrinkage than control subjects. Studies also showed that both men and women have similar learning and memory problems as a result of heavy drinking (10). The difference is that alcoholic women reported that they had been drinking excessively for only about half as long as the alcoholic men in these studies. This indicates that women’s brains, like their other organs, are more vulnerable to alcohol–induced damage than men’s (11).

Yet other studies have not shown such definitive findings. In fact, two reports appearing side by side in the American Journal of Psychiatry contradicted each other on the question of gender–related vulnerability to brain shrinkage in alcoholism (12,13). Clearly, more research is needed on this topic, especially because alcoholic women have received less research attention than alcoholic men despite good evidence that women may be particularly vulnerable to alcohol’s effects on many key organ systems

Wernicke–Korsakoff Syndrome

Up to 80 percent of alcoholics, however, have a deficiency in thiamine (15), and some of these people will go on to develop serious brain disorders such as Wernicke–Korsakoff syndrome (WKS) (16). WKS is a disease that consists of two separate syndromes, a short–lived and severe condition called Wernicke’s encephalopathy and a long–lasting and debilitating condition known as Korsakoff’s psychosis.

The symptoms of Wernicke’s encephalopathy include mental confusion, paralysis of the nerves that move the eyes (i.e., oculomotor disturbances), and difficulty with muscle coordination. For example, patients with Wernicke’s encephalopathy may be too confused to find their way out of a room or may not even be able to walk. Many Wernicke’s encephalopathy patients, however, do not exhibit all three of these signs and symptoms, and clinicians working with alcoholics must be aware that this disorder may be present even if the patient shows only one or two of them. In fact, studies performed after death indicate that many cases of thiamine deficiency–related encephalopathy may not be diagnosed in life because not all the “classic” signs and symptoms were present or recognized.

Approximately 80 to 90 percent of alcoholics with Wernicke’s encephalopathy also develop Korsakoff’s psychosis, a chronic and debilitating syndrome characterized by persistent learning and memory problems. Patients with Korsakoff’s psychosis are forgetful and quickly frustrated and have difficulty with walking and coordination (17). Although these patients have problems remembering old information (i.e., retrograde amnesia), it is their difficulty in “laying down” new information (i.e., anterograde amnesia) that is the most striking. For example, these patients can discuss in detail an event in their lives, but an hour later might not remember ever having the conversation

Found at http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/aa63/aa63.htm

Well that was…predictable

I went to my first Al-anon meeting last night and the disaster that ensued was fairly predictable.

First, I waited until shortly before I left to tell the husband I was going out. He wanted to know where I was going, so I told him. His response? “But I’m not drinking tonight, so why are you going tonight?” Right there. With that response, I KNEW he was going to wait until I walked out the door and then get raging drunk.

I went to the meeting, which was composed of older men and women, who had all pretty much left their alcoholic. Not that that  is a bad thing, not at all. But listening to them talk, it struck me that even in Al-anon, I feel alone. Every person that talked had grown up in an alcoholic home. I didn’t. Every one of them left their alcoholic spouses. I don’t plan to.  At the end, the leader said “now, for those who wish it, please join us in the Lord’s Prayer” Each and every person stood up, and those on either side of me grabbed my hands. It was very uncomfortable and not something that I felt I could bow out of. Especially because I would be the only one. I ended up just standing quietly while they said the prayer in unison.

Everyone was very welcoming and friendly. Some of their stories moved me. I was a litte bit uncomfortable with how they passed the list of steps and stuff around expecting each person to read one out loud, only because, at that point I just wanted to be an observer. I didn’t really want to participate right then, I spent the night on the verge of tears and my hands were shaking. They kept telling me that I didn’t have to do anything right then, but then would hand me this paper and tell me to read it. Again, not a horrible thing, not at all. But not something I was really equipped to be able to do at the moment.

So, at the end, I recieve my hugs, my literature and my phone number list. I say good bye and head home. I walk into the house and smell beer. He had decided to punish me for going by getting drunk. As soon as I drove off, he got in the car and went to the store for beer. He doesn’t understand, why, when he is drinking less than he ever has before, I am going to meetings now.

I cannot get through to him that the meetings are not about HIM. Of course, he is the reason I went in the first place, but the meetings are for ME. How I am going to deal with MY feelings. He alternates between telling me to leave, saying he is going to leave and then telling me how much he loves me and how wonderful I am and what an asshole he is. He is very defensive that I went to a meeting in the first place.

I caved and told him that I wasn’t going to another one, because I can’t handle the raging argument afterwards. I can’t handle the fighting the second I walk in the door. But oh, now he wants me to go. Of course. Jump to the opposite side just to keep the argument going. I really attempted to disengage, but I’ve learned if I don’t participate it just gets worse.  So I stay calm and answer in monotone one or 2 word sentances. Finally he falls asleep.

I don’t know if I will go to another meeting. Not only because of him. Honestly, my impression was it was a close knit, fairly religious group. And while it works for them, I felt the “outsider” they were very welcoming, very sincere and friendly. But I don’t think it’s a good fit for me. I will try to make it to one more at this location and see what my impressions are.

After that? I don’t know. I may look into another meeting that will work with my schedule. I’ll have to see when the time comes.

Al-anon self test

I’ve decided to take the plunge. I’m visitng an al-anon meeting this Friday. Yes I have reservations (all previously listed) But I would be nice to talk to someone who understands.

I found this online. My answers are bolded.

Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. The following twenty questions are designed to help you decide whether or not you need Al-Anon:

1.Do you worry about how much someone else drinks? Yes

2.Do you have money problems because of someone else’s drinking?
no
3.Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else’s drinking?
Not anymore
4.Do you feel that if the drinker loved you, he or she would stop drinking, to please you?
Yes
5.Do you blame the drinker’s behavior on his or her companions?
No
6.Are plans frequently upset, or cancelled, or meals delayed because of the drinker? no

7.Do you make threats, such as, “If you don’t stop drinking, I’ll leave you”?yes

8.Do you secretly try to smell the drinker’s breath? yes

9.Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout? yes

10.Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker’s behavior?
yes
11.Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?
yes
12.Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?
no
13.Do you search for hidden alcohol?
yes
14.Do you often ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?
no
15.Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?
yes
16.Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the lengths you have gone to control the drinker? yes

17.Do you think that, if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?yes

18.Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?
no
19.Do you feel angry, confused or depressed most of the time?
yes
20.Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?
yes
If you have answered ‘yes’ to three or more of these questions, Al-Anon or Alateen may help.

3 or more. Hah. I’m up to 13 yeses. 13 out of 20. In previous years it would have been 15 or more. But it’s pretty sad that I can answer yes to over half of the questions

Backsliding and wet spots

Ok, It’s NOT what you think. The husband has been back sliding pretty bad lately and we’ve been fighting over it. I don’t understand how he can go weeks without touching a drop of alcohol and then suddenly NEED to go buy a 40oz PLUS a 24oz. I don’t get it, and I probably never will.

Here’s the weird thing. He will, apparently go to sleep just fine. And yet when he wakes up, he is covered in……wet stuff? Like soaking the couch wet. As in, from his knees to his head. And we can’t figure out what it is. It used to happen before when he was drinking heavily and now it is happening again. I don’t think it is pee. For one, it doesn’t smell and second, there is A LOT of fluid. Too much to be sweat and we all know that he isn’t drinking water. In fact, there aren’t even any cups around. I’m serious when I say it soaks THROUGH the couch. I moved the couch the other day looking for something and the floor beneath it was wet. So I guess it is a mystery.

An annoyance that happened last week. He, I guess while drunk took off his pants and boxers upon waking in the mysterious wet spot. He placed the items IN the washing machine and put on new boxers. I came home and started the wash. I noticed there were clothes in there, but figured that he wanted them washed right away.

Cue 7Am rolling around and him frantically searching for his work phone. I find it about 20 minutes later, You guessed it, at the bottom of the washing machine.

Of course, this is my fault. Because he knows himself SOOO well that he knows he would never, EVER put his pants in the washer without taking his cell phone out. Yeah. He doesn’t remember stripping and changing, but he KNOWS he would not forget to take out the cell phone. So I told him to feel free to do his own laundry from now on and reminded him that he is a big boy and it is his job to check his own pockets.

Of course he was drinking last night. See, he cleaned the house (sort of) and apparently he cannot do manual labor without drinking. This is the third time this week that he has been drunk. The first time we fought. The second time I ignored it. Now I’m just plain pissed. we are having my daughters birthday party today. The kitchen is still trashed, we have to set up and I have to try to get a couple hours of sleep after being up all day yesterday and working all night last night. I’d like to just crash out now, but guess what? The kids are awake and the husband is still sleeping off the beer. Must be nice to get a solid 7 or 8 hours of sleep.

I haven’t been updating as often because he was doing well. I have a feeling I will be spending a lot more time here. Which in a way is good. I have been neglecting it and what I set out to do.

Ups and Downs

More downs, than ups, I think.

I haven’t posted in a while. I think, more than anything it’s because I feel like I have failed in some way. The drinking is back up. After a full month, it has started again. Oh it isn’t HUGE, but it’s enough to piss me off. Right now, he is upstairs, passed out in bed. I  just dumped a nearly full 40 OZ down the sink. But he is definatly drunk I attempted to wake him up and could not so who knows how much he had to drink before I found him.

Last night he drank “just a 24OZ” and the night before he drank “just 2 beers” when we went out to eat. I was sleeping when he started today, since I work the night shift, the kids told me that he went to the store, and wouldn’t let them go with him. He went out, just for beer in horrible weather with horrible roads.

When I try to talk to him about it, he says “It’s just one day a week” It might be just one day (as you can see above, it’s not “just one” day) but it is also as much beer (and/or vodka) he can cram down his throat before he passes out and I dump the remaining supply.

When we went out to eat, we were discussing one of my sisters, and a childhood friend that has a crush on her. The friend is 20 years old and drinks like a fish. I mentioned that would hate to see her get involved with him because he is, or is well on his way to becoming an alcoholic. I said I didn’t want her in that sort of life because I know fully well how hard it is to deal with. He actually got offended. Like living with him is all peaches and roses. He started to get mad and I cut him off. I told him with all the shit that he has put me through over the years (granted, I stayed) that he has NO RIGHT to get mad if I insinuate that life was great all the time. Yeah, we had some good times, and we still do have good times. However, dealing with him, drunk, has dampened those times. I remember, with perfect clarity the fights, the stupid things he has done, the attempted suicide I had to deal with. The good times, yeah, they are there, but they take a back seat compared to the horrible times. It was pure luck that he was sober when I gave birth to the kids. I half expected him to be at least tipsy when we got married. We can’t go to a casino because of the free drinks. We can’t go to an adult resturaunt because of the alcohol served. I can’t sleep or leave the house without him running to the liquor store. He, apparently, cannot watch football with out beer. It is ridiculous. It is bull shit.

Telling him the things people and family are saying about him get to him for a little bit. But then it all starts over again. Nothing matters, not me, not the kids, family, work, nothing but beer. I have reinstated (well, continued) my personal savings account that I had stopped putting money into. He doesn’t know about the account and he can’t touch it. I advise anyone dealing with an addict to do the same. You never know when you will say “enough is enough”

Response to comments, small update

Things are going amazingly well here.. Better than I expected, and honestly I don’t think I have ever been this happy in our marriage. It’s been quite awhile since the Husband has had a drink. He talks about it more openly now as well. He says it is not getting any easier, not to drink. But he isn’t doing it, so that says something. The kids are happier as well, although they weren’t aware of how bad it was. They knew something was wrong, they knew that daddy drank, and know they know it’s getting better, and that he doesn’t drink.

I know I was MIA for a while. Life got in the way, as well as I thought I’d take a break from writing here and get some perspective. I appreciate all the comments while I was gone. Even the one I am planning on writing about now.

I did not approve this comment. I usually approve almost all comments, good or bad, unless it is spam. However, this is one of those misogynist, rude, ignorant comments that I cannot approve. I will however, dissect it for him, even though he will probably enjoy the attention. This is the comment that I received. My remarks will be in bold.

If you women dont like the fact that your man drinks… Then WHY stay with him??? Let’s just stop you right here. What in the world makes you think that only men are alcoholics? What’s with the “you women” Did you not notice the men who have commented about their wives drinking problem? The men who are still married to those women? Or what about the links to Blogs about men who are married to alcoholic women?

Let me guess…

1. You can’t afford to live without HIS income.  Hmmm… Interesting assumption. Just an FYI. At this moment, I make exactly .50 cents less than my husband. By my next promotion, I will be making over a dollar more an hour than my husband. My income is enough to support myself and my children comfortably.

2. You are to co-dependant to stand on your own 2 feet. Again…what an interesting view. While I will not deny that many people dealing with an addict are co-dependant, there are a myriad of reasons why a person may stay with an alcoholic. Try reading this blog. I listed a lot of them.

3. You dont want to give up the “LIFESTYLE” you are use to.  Just full of assumptions, aren’t we? See my response to #1. I have very little debt. If I were to leave, I am just as happy living in an apartment or trailer. Based on my income alone, I could purchase a house on my own. I have my own vehicle. I pay for my own extras.

I hate, HATE it when people assume to know me and my situation well enough to create motives for me. Or for any person in a situation similar to mine. I have my reasons for acting as I have. I’ve posted many here. Some I have kept to myself. Others I am still realizing. However, monetary reasons don’t enter into it. At one point in time, I was placing money is a safe place so I would be able to afford to leave. Circumstances have changed and I would be able to support myself and my children in a similar fashion as now. Even when money was a large concern, if I had wanted to leave, I would have.  No matter what “lifestyle” I was leaving behind.

I can live without my husband. In fact, now that I see what life without him drinking is like, if he started drinking again, I would have less patience and  probably be less likely to deal with it. I can’t say for sure, as I have not been there, but I am not willing to go through another 11 years of it. I would leave.

For those who want to assign motives, question reasons or to try and “shock” a person dealing with an addict. It doesn’t work. It does piss people off though, if it’s a stranger saying these things, and hurt them if it is someone closer. Some is good intentioned, but the best thing you can do for someone dealing with an addict is listen without judgement. Be available for help if it is needed. But just be THERE for them.

If it’s a stranger, the best thing is to keep your remarks to yourself. Most of us who live with alcoholics KNOW the situation we are in. We are not idiots. We are not money grabbers. Don’t show your ass and presume to KNOW our motives. Being anonymous on the Internet doesn’t make you any less of a jerk.

Updates

I know it’s been a little bit. We have been doing a lot with the move and I haven’t had time (or a chance, with Husband on vacation!!) to update here.

Things have been going moderately well. Not wonderful, but not horrible either. He did have a relapse. The person who was supposed to be taking the old house backed out on us at the very last minute (as in, the day of) We were at the old house getting bits and pieces of stuff that was left over. As I was going out the door to make another run of stuff to the new house, I asked him if he was going to be ok. And then my specific words were “you aren’t going to go out and get something to drink, are you?” He said no. And I walked out the door.

I come back after unloading everything to find a beer sitting on the counter. A 24 oz. I confronted him about and he said he had to go the store to get cigarettes and since he was there….. it was empty, and I was only gone for about 30 minutes so he must have chugged it to drink it before I got back.

Not so. Apparently Karma bit him in the ass. The beer he had chosen apparently had a small hole in the bottom. Small enough to keep everything in, since air pressure kept the contents inside. But big enough to leak horribly when he opened it. About half of it ended up on the ground when he opened it! Ha! Can’t say that he didn’t deserve it.

I talked to him about how he needs to learn to deal with stress in a productive manner. Drinking doesn’t solve the problem, it only makes him not think about it for a little bit. The problem is still there when the beer goes away. We had lunch plans and I decided that they were still on. I wasn’t calling them off because he had to drink. We ended up fighting in the car and for the first half of lunch, quietly using hushed voices at the table.

The second half of lunch he apologized for getting upset and I apologized for nagging. He told me not to ever apologize for that, and that I had every reason to nag him and to be upset. He was teary eyed at the table. He gave a genuine apology, not the “I’m sorry I’m an asshole” sort that I usually get when he’s been drinking.

Speaking of moving, I found lots of old beer bottles and vodka bottles hidden in the weirdest places. Most of them, he claims that he doesn’t even remember hiding them and it was a long time ago. I sort of believe him, because some of them still had alcohol inside them. If he remembered them, he would have drank them. I DID notice, however, that the vodka bottles that I dumped out and refilled with water and replaced in easy to find places were missing. He never has said anything to me about those.

I know he’s trying. And I know it’s hard for him. When the cravings get too bad he uses excuses such as “stress” to condone his drinking. There haven’t been as many relapses as I thought there would be, and honestly, I didn’t think he would make it a week without drinking, let alone a month. I just wish that he would stay with it, even when it gets hard, even when it’s stressful.